Cards against Dean
by charjx
Summary: Dean, Sam, Castiel and Crowley are hanging out at the Men of Letters bunkers. With no new case and still no lead on an escaped Lucifer, Crowley pulls out his own custom made Cards against Humanity deck. What happens when everyone chooses cards that are seemingly decked against Dean? Destiel centric.


**Author's Note: I have drawn ideas for Crowley's custom made Cards against Humanity (CAH) deck based on the show's references as well as some real life CAH cards thrown into the mix. This fic is also not meant to be followed too closely to canon as I just wanted the characters to throw back and have some fun. Kindly refer to my author's note at the end if you're interested on how this fic came to fruition. The amazing show that is Supernatural and the creative game that is CAH does not belong to me but to their respective creators.**

"Hello Boys." A familiar drawl entered the occupied space of the Men of Letters bunker. The King of Hell strolled in, with all three pairs of eyes observing his moves in case he came as a foe, not to say that he was ever Team Free Will's friend.

"What do you want Crowley?" said Dean. He was lying on the couch drinking a bottle of beer.

"Oh nothing. Just wanted to check in with you boys if there's any leads of our recently escaped devil. Seems you're not as... _motivated_ to find him, seeing as all of you are relaxing with booze in hand," he eyed them accusingly.

"Well, we're not on the Number One spot of Satan's priority killing list, so I think we can hold out a little longer," said Dean with a forced smile.

"What I believe Dean is trying to say is that we have had no luck in locating Lucifer's whereabouts," said Castiel.

"There has been no chatter. At _all_ ," added Sam. "Not even remotely anything of the Supernatural kind. It is the calm before the storm but we just don't know when the storm will hit."

Crowley seemed to seriously ponder at this point. "Bloody hell," he said throwing his hands up in defeat "if the world is about to end, _again_ , and Satan's after my ass, I might as well have a drink." He snapped his fingers. A bottle of whisky and shot glass appeared. He poured himself a drink and gulped it down.

All three of them were staring at him.

"What? Never seen a dashing suave King of Hell before?"

"You're not exactly welcomed here," said Sam flatly.

"Oh, I beg to differ."

 ******Hours Later******

Empty bottles of beer, whiskey and bourbon alike decorated the floor with two hunters, an angel and a king of hell, hardly able to move.

Sam blinked slowly and groaned "Oh man, I cannot remember the last time I drank this much."

Crowley smirked "There's more where that came from."

"We...should probably get back to work," said Castiel as he attempted to stand up.

Crowley sighed "Don't bother. I've turned up every stone and crack, but the slippery bastard has just decided to lay low until he's fully recuperated to destroy the world, bring on the apocalypse and all that jazz."

"Doesn't mean we should stop searching," said Dean.

"Look boys, I'm not asking we quit. I, of all demons, want him permanently gone. But it's not helping that we're all seem to be stuck on a mental block. Tell you what, Squirrel, go with Hot Wings here to make us all a pot of coffee. Take the night off, we'll play a card game in the meanwhile and tomorrow we'll resume the hunt for the Devil."

"Can't you make the coffee, you know, 'appear'?" asked Castiel using air quotations.

"I don't do instant coffee, love. I prefer mine brewed, black and strong, if you know what I mean," Crowley smirked.

Dean rolled his eyes and pulled Castiel along, grumbling, "Come on...I'm not gonna make coffee by myself."

Crowley and Sam stared after them. Crowley turned to Sam "Is it just me or can you just cut through the sexual tension with a knife between those two?"

Sam furrowed his brow "Huh...You saw that too?"

"Off course!" exclaimed Crowley rolling his eyes. "The eye-sex between those two. I could watch that all day."

Sam chuckled "You know there was a high school play on the Supernatural books. The students who organized the play termed them 'Destiel'."

"Destiel eh? Hmm...Not a bad ring to it. And I have just the card game for this," Crowley mused.

Dean and Castiel came back out. "Coffee's brewing. Couldn't find the coffee beans just now."

"Just in time for game night," said Crowley. "And I have hereeee... a custom made deck of Cards against Humanity."

Castiel looked confused "How would the cards go against humanity?"

"Oh I ain't playing none of those Jumanji juju games," said Dean.

"Oh nothing of that sort. It's just a deck of normal cards, albeit these are custom made and you can't find this set in any store, I've been waiting to play with just the right occasion," said Crowley momentarily giving Sam a wink.

Sam blinked, looked at Crowley, and looked at Dean and Castiel, and back at Crowley before giving a subtle uh-huh nod.

"Gather around boys. So how Cards against Humanity works is that every player starts off with 10 white cards, these white cards can contain anything - statements, names, words. Every player will then take turns to draw a black card from the deck. The black card will contain a blank or a question. The other players will need to provide a white card that they feel the answer will appeal to the player who drew the black card. So this player needs to pick the best white card and the point goes to the player whose white card got picked. After every round, draw the equal number of white cards from the main deck so you'll always have 10. Let's do a round to get the hang of it."

"Hot Wings, you go first," said Crowley after dealing out the white cards.

Castiel drew his first black card from the deck.

 **My favorite prop is _.**

"Moose and Squirrel, choose a white card that completes the sentence and you feel Hot Wings would pick. Lay them face down." said Crowley while eyeing his own fan of white cards.

All three picked their white card and lay it face down in front of Castiel. He proceeded to unveil the cards. The first card read ' **Angel Blade** '. "Make sense," said Castiel "I do carry it with me always." The second card read ' **Trenchcoat** '. Castiel nodded in approvement. The third card simply read ' **Dean** '.

"Why is my name even on the card?" Dean complained.

"Well, it is custom made. Annnddd it also depends on the choices available to the player," shrugs Crowley.

"I've made my choice. I choose 'Dean'," said Castiel pointing to the card.

"Well done! Excellent choice indeed. Once the set has been chosen, please read out the completed card with its answer."

Castiel complied " **My favorite prop is Dean.** "

Sam attempted but failed to hide a snort. Dean just gaped as Castiel. "Why? How am I your favorite prop?"

"I...just liked the card," Castiel mumbled, a tinge of pink showing in his cheeks.

Dean threw his hands up. "Urgh, I don't even know if you truly understand the concept of this game. Ok so who's card was it?"

Crowley's hand shot out and pulled the complete set towards him. "One point for mua."

Dean narrowed his eyes at Crowley. "All right. Next round." Dean drew a black card "Ooh boy…"

 **I would go to Hell for _.**

"Oh this will be easy," said Sam as he confidently placed his white card. Crowley next with Castiel last.

Dean flipped them all open. The options were ' **My Brother** ', ' **Baby** ', and ' **Pie** '.

"Oh bollocks, I thought my choice was pretty good. The other two are also equally top priority for Squirrel," said Crowley.

Dean nodded. "To be fair. 'Baby' was a good choice."

"But you would choose your _brother_ , right?" said Sam nodding towards his choice card.

Dean made a noncommittal nod "Yeaaaa, you know I would. Been there, done that a couple of times. But…" he looks to Castiel "What kind of pie are we talking about?"

"Freshly baked apple pie," said Castiel proudly.

"I'm sold. Pie it is. **I would go to Hell for pie.** "

Sam had exaggerated aghast look at Dean. "Sorry man, I'd do it in real life but he has pie. Like freshly baked apple pie," said Dean dreamily pointing to Castiel.

"Uh huh," intoned Sam. "So one point to Cas."

"Ok my turn," said Sam.

 **I wish I could yell out _.**

Dean laughed. "Oh I have just the card." He put down his choice immediately.

Castiel and Crowley both put down their card fairly quickly as well.

"This will be interesting," observed Sam. He flipped Dean's choice - ' **I lost my shoe.** ' Sam huffed, " _Really_ Dean?" while Dean laughed hysterically.

"The card was just sitting right there. I had to, Sammy," laughed Dean.

Castiel turned to Crowley "There is a reference somewhere that I'm not understanding."

"For once in my life, I get to say I do not understand that reference," said Crowley.

Sam narrowed his eyes judging Dean as his brother continued to chuckle. Sam proceeded to flip the other two cards. ' **I love Veggies.** ' ' **Get a room you two.** '

Sam eyed Crowley who had a knowing smile and nonchalantly picked the last card.

Dean looked at Sam's choice and gave his brother a confused look. "Why?"

Sam played innocent as he said "Oh I don't know for some reason **I wish I could yell out GET A ROOM YOU TWO!** ", looking at Dean. At this, Castiel intentionally looked the other way, cheeks turning pinker.

Crowley looked at Castiel and muttered for only the angel's ears "Such a bad liar."

Dean just deadpans the group "I have no idea what you guys are going on about. This game makes no sense," he said "at least my shoe answer was funny," he mumbled.

"There's an ironic question," said Crowley as he flipped his black card.

 **What is there a ton of in heaven?**

Dean snorted and placed his card, "I'm sorry Cas, this is not about you but I'm appealing to Mr. King of Hell here."

Castiel narrowed his eyes at Dean followed with a confused look. The angel then took a look at his cards again and put down his choice. Lastly, Sam placed his card with a smirk on his face.

Crowley let out a "Ha!" when he flipped over Dean's card. ' **Dicks with Wings** '. He caught Dean looking somewhat apologetically at Castiel who looked slightly crestfallen.

Castiel's card was even more surprising. "Ooh, I never knew you were into _this_ sort of thing," he commented, revealing the card ' **A german sex dungeon** '. "I actually think I have one of those downstairs come to think of it."

"I'd figure you'd like something like this," Castiel said, eyes momentarily flickered towards Dean before facing Crowley.

"I do. You know me _so_ well. In fact, I give you permission to use it at your own _leisure_ time," said Crowley.

"And the final multiple choice question goes to," flipping the last card " ' **Sexual tension** '. Oh my, this is bloody hard to choose." Crowley furrowed his brow, appearing to be deep in thought. "I think...I'm gonna have to go with sexual tension. **What is there a ton of in heaven? Sexual tension.** "

Sam pumped up his fist, adding the set to his score. After the first round, only Dean had a score of zero, with Crowley leading with two points. Castiel patted Dean on the shoulder encouragingly. That gesture was not lost to Sam and Crowley.

Castiel pulled out his black card -

 **I'd love to _.**

Crowley shook his head and placed his choice, muttering "No good cards." Sam smiled at his card before putting it down. Dean stared at his cards intently, his fingers picked on a card from his selection, his lips twitched sideways, pondering if he should put the card down.

"Trust that your angel will pick the right card," said Crowley lazily. He snapped his fingers and the brewed coffee that Dean and Castiel made earlier was sitting beside them. He proceeded to pour a cup for himself, sniffed it, and took a long sip.

"Fine. Fine," said Dean placing his card. Castiel immediately opened Dean's card and a rarely seen smile formed. ' **Shop for pie.** '

"I thought he only did serious and brooding," Crowley whispered to Sam.

"Yeaaa, shows we're done for this round," replied Sam.

Castiel continued to unveil the following two cards, of which Sam's choice ' **Watch the Pizza Man** ' and Crowley's choice was to ' **Have a pet cat.** '

The trenchcoat wearing angel pushed aside Sam's card "Let's not re-watch that video. Till this day I still don't know what the babysitter did wrong."

Crowley raised an eyebrow, he leaned over to Sam "I need to hear to this story. Tell me about it later." Sam gave him a knowing nod.

Castiel also pushed away Crowley's card, "I really like cats but I don't think I have the time for them, you know with the world ending and all." Crowley gave a shrug. "I happen to like cats too. I'd probably own one if I ever retire as the King of Hell," he bemused.

The last remaining white card and black card pair on the table Castiel slid it towards Dean, who grinned having scored his first point. Castiel announced " **I'd love to shop for pie.** "

There were murmurs of "Mhmm", " _Off course_ ", "So obvious, why didn't _I_ think of that?" from Sam and Crowley.

Dean ignored their comments, taking a long drink of coffee before drawing out his black card. He almost spat his coffee out.

 **_: Good to the last drop.**

This in turn earned a cackle of laughter from Crowley and Sam. "Well I can tell you it ain't gonna be coffee," said Crowley in between his laughs.

"Well...I suppose it can be coffee," said Sam with a straight face, before he added "If you know what I mean," with a smirk.

"Oh shut up," grumbled Dean.

Castiel looked at his card selection, looking horrified. "Cas, what's wrong?" asked Dean.

"I just realized almost all of my cards are names of people I don't think it will appeal to Dean," said Castiel.

"You don't have any other cards?" asked Sam

"Well...I do have one card that's not a person's name…" he trailed off.

"You can use that instead," offered Sam.

Castiel's cheeks turned slightly pink again as he placed his choice card. Sam eyed Crowley, who subtly nodded back, both placing their cards together.

Dean looked at them suspiciously as he flipped Crowley's card then Sam's - it read ' **Hairy balls** ' and ' **Spinach juice** '. Dean stuck his tongue out to gag. "Urghh. Why? Just why? Isn't the whole point of the game to _appeal_ to the card holder and _win_ the game?"

Crowley and Sam played dumb, chipping in excuses one after another "No good cards." "thought that's what you liked" "spinach juice is nice, you should give a try"

"Righttt," said Dean as he turned over Castiel's card. Dean's eyes widen as he blinked a few times before asking "Cas, do you know what ' **Divine essence** ' means?" Sam and Crowley were just smirking widely, trying very hard to suppress their laughter.

"I'm... guessing is a form of liquid that is so good that people describe it as 'divine'," said Castiel.

"Well, it _is_ liquid if you think about it," said Crowley.

"And drinkable too," added Sam with a cheeky grin, taking a noisy sip to his coffee as if to make a point.

Dean rolled his eyes and faced Castiel "You really don't know what it is?"

"I...may have deduced it had something to do with an angel's soul or something? I can't figure out why or how it is suppose to be drinkable…" Laughter burst out from the younger Winchester and the King of Hell.

"Oh I bet it is an out of body experience,"Crowley laughed with tears starting to trickle down.

Dean continued to side eye both of them, but his cheeks were starting to blush a little. "Fine. You guys are not helping either. Like how can I choose hairy balls or spinach juice? These cards are so against me," said Dean. He whispered to Castiel what the word meant in this context and the angel blushed a deep shade of crimson. "Oh stop it, least Cas is more deserving of the points than you two."

"You'll still have to say it," said Crowley in a sing-song voice.

"Okay, Okay. I'll say it: **Divine Essence: Good to the last drop.** "

This earned more laughter erupting in the bunker. "I actually think I'm not drunk enough for this game," said Sam grabbing more booze to down.

"My turn." Sam drew a card. "Ooh ho ho!" turning to face Dean "Looks like the cards really aren't in your favor."

They all read the card simultaneously -

 **What do you tell the person on your right?**

\- and Castiel, Crowley and Sam's heads turned towards Sam's right - Dean.

Once again, Castiel looked at his cards and muttered "Oh boy."

"No suitable card Cas?," asked Sam.

He nodded. "I still have all the names of people in my deck and the white card I drew just now was…"

"Don't worry about it. If it's funny or thematically appropriate, least you'll score a point," said Sam reassuring him.

"Okay. Here goes," said Castiel placing his card.

On the other hand, Dean looked confident with his choice and Crowley just winked at the brothers as he placed his card.

"And the nominees are...from Dean ' **Bitch** ' ooh nice one," said Sam approvingly. "From Crowley ' **Meet me after 8 if you wanna get hot and heavy** ' urghh," shivered Sam.

Crowley blew a kiss to Dean "For all the fun times that we had."

Dean immediately turned to Sam "Don't you even dare."

Sam grinned and considered before turning over the last card that read ' **Kiss him** '.

Castiel hid most of his face behind the fan of cards. Surprisingly to Sam, Dean had his look of acknowledgment, complete with a frown pout and a nod.

Crowley was already humming to the tune of k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

"I like your card Dean but I'm giving this point to Cas," said Sam. "So **what do I tell the person on my right? Kiss him** ," declared Sam.

Castiel blushed even further. He did not know if the heat in his cheeks were from the alcohol or something else but he kept silent and instead drank deep gulps of coffee. "Don't put Cas in a tight spot," said Dean. "Oh I'm _sure_ you'd love to," muttered Crowley sipping on coffee. Dean continued "A gentleman never kisses and tell, especially not in front of you folks." Castiel seemed to relax and gave Dean a small smile.

Now it was Sam's turn to smile. "I was just reading out loud the completed set. I did find it quite interesting that you jump to Cas' defense when I didn't mention who you were suppose to _kiss_."

Dean paused and kept silent, tongue tied. "Okay, I say we let them have their private fun time later. Let's play a couple more rounds. There's more booze and coffee we have yet to finish," said Crowley.

He read his black card, "Oh this is a good one."

 **My friend would love to _, if you know what I mean.**

Dean looked at his newly drawn white card and looked at Crowley incredulous, "how do you even have this line on the card?"

Crowley smiled knowingly "I told you, it's custom made."

Dean raised his hands in surrender "Okay. You got me. I'll bite," he put that card down.

Castiel also put down his newly drawn card. Sam took a drink and placed his choice.

The King of Hell flipped over all three choices presented to him - ' **Grip you tight and raise you from perdition** ', ' **Choke me** ', ' **Bow down and call me your majesty** '.

Looking at Dean's card, Castiel too, raised an eyebrow at Crowley but the King seemed to be blatantly ignoring them. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Squirrel, Hot Wings and Moose! Your answers send tingles down my spine. If only I knew sooner you swung that way…" said Crowley clearly enjoying the look of horror on Team Free Will's faces.

He took a moment to ponder his choice. "I like all 3 choices but I'm gonna have to give it to the one with the most significance," he said pairing Dean's card with his black card.

He stood up dramatically and announced " **My friend would love to grip you tight and raise you from perdition,** " he paused for effect " **if you know what I mean.** "

Dean and Castiel were looking anywhere else but Crowley. "Tell you what boys, let's up the game, every round played from now onwards, loser drinks a shot," Crowley offered.

"You're on," said Dean.

The quartet played on for hours, round after round, each answer given more dirty minded than the last. They had never laughed so hard in a very long time that their sides started to ache. Sam had never seen Dean or Castiel blushed this much for that matter.

The night (or was it day?) ended with the King of Hell passed out on the couch and Sam who actually wanted to get back to work researching ended up snoozing, head resting on his arms. Dean and Castiel were the only two left standing, or rather trying their best to stand. Looking at the other two passed out, Dean turned to Castiel "Yea...I think I'm gonna go lie down for abit too."

Dean held Castiel's hand and led the angel to his room. Upon locking the door, Castiel said "So I guess they know about us?"

"Mhmm. Because what they did was _so_ subtle. Although I don't think they are fully aware of the extent of our current relationship," said Dean wrapping his hands around Castiel's waist, drawing them closer.

Castiel could feel Dean's breath inhaling and exhaling on his face. His breath smelt like alcohol and coffee but Castiel was drawn to it anyway because it was Dean. For good or bad, he was Dean Winchester, and there is nothing Castiel wouldn't do for him.

Dean licked his lips, staring at his angel with a passion that he had never known existed. He thought he was beyond saving, beyond any form of redemption. The things he did will forever haunt him for the rest of however short his life is. He never had many things to cherish in life but falling in love with Cas was definitely one. As long as Cas thought he was worth saving, he would fight everyday to be the man Cas believes him to be.

He pressed Cas' lips gently against his. Cas palmed Dean's face, drawing the hunter in for a deeper kiss. Dean happily obliged with each kiss more intense than the last.

Dean waited for Cas to pull away, and he saw a look of worry spread over the angel's face. "So...you don't mind them knowing about...us? I mean I know you said before that we would keep it a secret because you didn't know how Sam would react...and…"

"I don't mind," interjected Dean. "I shouldn't have worried about Sam. If tonight was any indication, he seems to be taking it well enough. Crowley's hardly family and it's not his business anyway. And Mom...well...I think she'll understand," he smiled.

Cas' face lit up and simply nodded. Then, he gave a sly grin that was currently only privy to Dean. "You know...with those two passed out, we sorta kinda do have the place to ourselves…"

It was Dean's turn to smirk. "So it is, there is _so_ much caffeine coursing through me right now, I can think of a few ideas to pass the time until we fall asleep," he said. His arms still on Cas' waist, guiding Cas to the bed. "What did you say your favorite prop was again?"

 **Author's Note: So a number of things inspired this fic to happen. Firstly, I was in need of seeing some Destiel love, especially after watching that season 12 finale. Then, Misha himself at SDCC 2017 had to proclaim 'My favorite prop is Dean'. That line ignited the fire to write a Destiel fic but how would I go about incorporating this line? It came to me in the form of Cards against Humanity (CAH). I thought it would be a fun idea to explore them playing this game and what would their reactions be. Being Crowley's custom made CAH deck also meant that I could include the show's numerous references as well. Last but not least, I hope that you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it. =)**


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